thinking, feeling...what about passion?

Passion was my next chosen topic - and somehow now that I'm on my own again, time seems to magically open up for thinking and pondering.

this is how I started off my musings in August last year: "Emotions for me are linked with passions; (before I started travels) I felt that I didn't feel anything powerful enough to act as a thread linking the various parts of my life - i think that was what I felt that was missing and it over-rode everything else and drove me (a passion of sorts perhaps) to leave the life I had been leading. It is sad that I wasn't strong enough to focus on delving into myself, within my existing life and felt like I had to, well yes, run away. (yet another trait I'm good at exercising but that is a whooole other topic). "

This is still a sore topic of sorts for me. I guess there are always numerous 'threads' of varying intensity that are always present - but what are these for me? I had always used an external frame of reference for this 'passion' or thread. A family. A career that inspired me. Contributing to the greater good of the community. Some sort of hobby that was ever present. But I seemed to come up short - my family is totally supportive of anything I do and I'm lucky that they seem to come find me wherever I am in the world. Being part of my own family of partner and children is also very close to my heart, but one that I believe will come eventually. A career that inspires? Well that still stumps me. I've done many bits of things, but not found one that rings true. Hobby's too - either it's my short attention span, or I just don't like sticking to one. And yes, i know, it doesn't have to be a 'thing', the passion can be in the approach to things too.

And then if I remove all my expectations about what passion should be, and ask myself the simple question - do I live my life with passion?  do I live and share my life with wholehearted, honest, happy intent? I seem to stumble again. on the surface I do - I approach life with energy, openness and curiosity, but if I really look at things, I don't give myself wholeheartedly to things or honestly open myself up. I remain cautious and guarded, and although I have the right intent, my own mind stops me truly throwing myself in. I just move around in a circle of distraction and exciting new things, people and places, and that becomes my 'settled state'. Even though this is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, perhaps it's just my restless soul that is actually craving to stop whirling around and start digging some roots.

But this is oh so hard to actually do. How do I start to break down years of training to protect myself, to start to open myself up? Open myself up to myself, open myself up to truly feeling and expressing emotions, and let that develop into a passion and allow roots to take ground and start growing?

The other side of this coin is that I've not truly opened myself up to being happy with just how I am. it's probably why I still get excited (and a bit envious) of other people's lives. What is it I'm envious of? Usually just that they are doing something that I think is cool. That I myself think I want to do - but don't. Like living out in woop woop somewhere, growing their own veggies, doing a job that really benefits the community, being a mother, a wife, a best friend. I think of my own life, and the thing is that I am some of these things already - and for the others, I can do these things if I want to. But I haven't. Perhaps that's the question then. What's stopping me?

Is it because there's just too many good options? because I've always had the choice and support to do whatever I want? I'm definitely part of that 'choicer's' generation (yes, there are papers written on this!) - that is always scared of missing out by making a decision. And how does this link to passion? Well it exposes me to more people and experiences, but it also distracts me. I guess I see these other people, and in my mind at the time, I go, wow, they have found a thread. They know their passion and are living it.

so lots of sentences with question marks at the end... and I've not yet come up with my answer. I just keep working on opening up and on living with more honest, open intent. And, perhaps I gotta give a commitment a try. Stop being distracted by new shiny things. Make a choice, throw myself into it wholeheartedly and with open intent, and see what takes root.