Serendipity found? the dirty truth

serendipity in a campsite playground in northern Chile

I've been 'chasing serendipity' (or my own tail), if indeed such a thing can be done, around the world these last 5 years... And now that i've finally back on home soil (well the plane has just crossed the coastline near port headland) i want to share some of the reflections and learnings from my travels - before i am happily embraced back into the folds of friends and family and it gradually becomes a whispy memory.

 

I guess firstly - on chasing serendipity - can you really 'chase' and catch, the unexpected? Certainly you don't need to run off to a far flung land with a backpack and 3 changes of clothes to find joy, but the kinds of people, experiences and discoveries that transmit this joy are not quite the same as what i was encountering in the tall shiny buildings and urban 'upwardly mobile' set of before.

 

So I chose to break away ... and as much as there were many moments on my travels that all i desired was to return to the familiarity of it, it wasn't (isn't) for me. Perhaps it was because of good karma, or it just fell into place, but i was fortunate that 2 years ago all the conditions arose that enabled me, with only responsibility to myself, to embark on such a journey.

 

And what a journey... Of course there's all the sensory indulgences and serendipity of moving at the feet of majestic snow capped sky hugging mountain ranges of the himalaya and andes, being stunned by textures and subtle gradients of luminous white of antarctic icebergs, encountering colourful clouds of fluttering butterflies in the jungle or a red lake of pink flamingos in the high planes of bolivia, curling your tongue over fresh roasted nibs in freshly made smooth ecuadorian chocolate, feeling your heart lift at the strains of ave maria being sung at easter concerts in chile or likewise on a jumpy crowded bus ride in nepal to laugh at some bollywood lyrics ... I've waxed on and off using superlative adjectives about all of these on my blog posts already :)

 

So ... what i'm going to share now is the the dirty truth of what i've learnt about myself over the last 19 months.

 

Oops. Momentary serendipitous distraction... The steward has brought chocolate icecream to eat while we pass over ayres rock!

 

Ok. The kinds of things that i'm still coming to terms with and that will need continual intention and effort to realise. Here goes...

 

• my big ego. Before i left london, i used the tall poppy metaphor to my therapist to illustrate that i believed i was special. In fact, i said that i was so special that i had a field to myself. She poignantly observed that was quite a lonely existence. Well. Travel, through continually moving and meeting others as well as some serious introspection with the support of buddhist teachings has well and truly started humbled what i thought was me. I see now that at the core i am the same as others, i am dependent (and need) others around me, and that's ok. In my small field of existence i have special qualities that combine to what i perceive as unique, but 'I' am not unique. In fact, 'my' fabricated 'I' is slowly succumbing and just just starting to dissolve into the universe. Seeing the 'I' and 'mine' for the illusion they are is a lifetime challenge. In deep moments of contemplation, i think i see it as it is, but in practice the mind is so so devious and clever, with so many habits conditioned that my ego reigns supreme 99.999% of the time.
• that as self sufficient and independent as i think i am, i need people. It's ok to receive help from someone, it doesn't mean that i'm not capable or not in control, rather i can gracefully accept the gift they are selfishlessly offering.
• that being vulnerable or rather showing vulnerability is ok. Building up a wall to hide behind to control everything doesn't bring happiness. That it's ok to experience the negative; pain, fear, loneliness and then not to try and keep it hidden; but to show it. Not to become caught and attached to it, but to express it and let it go.
• on feeling and expressing compassion - loving kindness, and empathy - as distinct from sympathy. I'm only just realising how to truly do this (hmm perhaps intricately wound up in the humbling of my ego) and it's hard, and needs continual awareness but through it i i am experiencing deeper connections with people i meet
• that as joyful and rewarding it is to do things alone, to be able to feel the touch of some you love and who loves you and sharing these magical experiences is to be treasured. I know one has to love oneself, and in fact loving is in many ways an illusion as you can only love the image/perception you create of the person or relationship, but i'm still unenlightened enough to value/succumb to the illusion.
• that i've lost many friendships through moving around so much and being lazy. Though you meet many people while travelling, these relationships are intense but transient, and because they are often circumstantial, ultimately shallow. That's not to say i've not met people that i've felt a deep and lasting connection with, but i know now how much i miss and value old friends - those who've i spent time with growing together. i guess it's easier to maintain more 'contact-full' friendships when you stay in one place, but no excuses. Oh and hugs. As great as skype is, there's no hugs.
• that there's many ways to live. Travel, especially in developing countries opened my eyes to people in all walks of life, but the revelation i talk of here is closer to the reality of my privileged life. I am over educated (in mind but not in practical experience), have never been forced into a decision, have every option open to me, have always had enough money to do what i want and i've been surrounded by love and support my whole life. there i was chortling down the corporate career path - not because anyone told me to, or expected it of me, but because i might as well and was ok at it. Then i travel..not the rushed european long weekend, or the hanging out at beach house with others like me, nor a 1 week cultural sojourn to a himalayan village, but the looong term travel... Where you meet the seasonal workers who work 4 months to travel cheap the rest, or others who have given up corporate life for 3 months or 3 years, or families with kids trekking or cycling or backpacking for 1 year, people that go on 3 year meditation retreats, those woofing and volunteering, those that have uprooted their lives to run aid organisations and other businesses in remote places and others with no idea what they are doing in general. These guys give me real inspiration that i too can do something to make a difference.
• that though i am learning a lot spiritually from many generous and passionate people, i'm not ready to take refuge in one particular tradition yet. I'm definitely dunking my legs in though and already have found many resonances within with teachings.

 

So... That's some of the truths of my travel revealed... sitting here in suburban Melbourne it's almost like a dream - but i know that I have evolved so much as a person. Yes I'm still asking big questions about what to do with my life - but at least now I'm truly happier inside (rather than just distractedly happier) with who I am.

I'm not sure if I'm going to blog much more - but I am going to put some highlights together of photos and serendipitous moments from the travels, and I guess this will time nicely with a - 1 month after so watch this space! And, more than likely... I'll be off gallavanting somewhere else sometime soon! Perhaps it's even time to ride a motorbike around Australia? get to know my own country better for a change:)

 

 

thinking, feeling...what about passion?

Passion was my next chosen topic - and somehow now that I'm on my own again, time seems to magically open up for thinking and pondering.

this is how I started off my musings in August last year: "Emotions for me are linked with passions; (before I started travels) I felt that I didn't feel anything powerful enough to act as a thread linking the various parts of my life - i think that was what I felt that was missing and it over-rode everything else and drove me (a passion of sorts perhaps) to leave the life I had been leading. It is sad that I wasn't strong enough to focus on delving into myself, within my existing life and felt like I had to, well yes, run away. (yet another trait I'm good at exercising but that is a whooole other topic). "

This is still a sore topic of sorts for me. I guess there are always numerous 'threads' of varying intensity that are always present - but what are these for me? I had always used an external frame of reference for this 'passion' or thread. A family. A career that inspired me. Contributing to the greater good of the community. Some sort of hobby that was ever present. But I seemed to come up short - my family is totally supportive of anything I do and I'm lucky that they seem to come find me wherever I am in the world. Being part of my own family of partner and children is also very close to my heart, but one that I believe will come eventually. A career that inspires? Well that still stumps me. I've done many bits of things, but not found one that rings true. Hobby's too - either it's my short attention span, or I just don't like sticking to one. And yes, i know, it doesn't have to be a 'thing', the passion can be in the approach to things too.

And then if I remove all my expectations about what passion should be, and ask myself the simple question - do I live my life with passion?  do I live and share my life with wholehearted, honest, happy intent? I seem to stumble again. on the surface I do - I approach life with energy, openness and curiosity, but if I really look at things, I don't give myself wholeheartedly to things or honestly open myself up. I remain cautious and guarded, and although I have the right intent, my own mind stops me truly throwing myself in. I just move around in a circle of distraction and exciting new things, people and places, and that becomes my 'settled state'. Even though this is not necessarily a 'bad' thing, perhaps it's just my restless soul that is actually craving to stop whirling around and start digging some roots.

But this is oh so hard to actually do. How do I start to break down years of training to protect myself, to start to open myself up? Open myself up to myself, open myself up to truly feeling and expressing emotions, and let that develop into a passion and allow roots to take ground and start growing?

The other side of this coin is that I've not truly opened myself up to being happy with just how I am. it's probably why I still get excited (and a bit envious) of other people's lives. What is it I'm envious of? Usually just that they are doing something that I think is cool. That I myself think I want to do - but don't. Like living out in woop woop somewhere, growing their own veggies, doing a job that really benefits the community, being a mother, a wife, a best friend. I think of my own life, and the thing is that I am some of these things already - and for the others, I can do these things if I want to. But I haven't. Perhaps that's the question then. What's stopping me?

Is it because there's just too many good options? because I've always had the choice and support to do whatever I want? I'm definitely part of that 'choicer's' generation (yes, there are papers written on this!) - that is always scared of missing out by making a decision. And how does this link to passion? Well it exposes me to more people and experiences, but it also distracts me. I guess I see these other people, and in my mind at the time, I go, wow, they have found a thread. They know their passion and are living it.

so lots of sentences with question marks at the end... and I've not yet come up with my answer. I just keep working on opening up and on living with more honest, open intent. And, perhaps I gotta give a commitment a try. Stop being distracted by new shiny things. Make a choice, throw myself into it wholeheartedly and with open intent, and see what takes root.

thinking, feeling...where are my emotions?

last year in august after i turned 30, i started penning a 'thinking, feeling' post about why i went travelling in the first place, and how i thought i was changing. it came out in floods under many pressure points, but i guess i got scared to post it publicly. today I re-discovered it in my drafts folder, and perhaps because these points are fresh again after meditation, i'm going to press the publish button.

delving into emotions...
part of the reason I went travelling was to, well, open myself up to myself (so to speak). these thoughts start delving into what i've discovered so far - it's not meant to clean spiderwebs out of the dark closet of my mind, or to attempt to resolve anything, but simply relay how travel is challenging me and what I spend time thinking about.

over the last 30 years I've been learning behaviours and training myself to act in certain ways - they've made me a strong person, but unfortunately a little closed off to my own and other people's emotions. I know that I shut down negative feelings and I actually remember training myself as a teenager to make my mind override what I felt. I definitely didn't want to feel any hurt, and in doing so I think I had a lot of difficulty in empathising with others in areas of hurt - I could sympathise (and in doing so put myself on a seperate, 'higher' level), but not put myself in their shoes and truly empathise with them.

regularly meeting new, different kinds of people (essentially introducing myself so often) while travelling has shown me certain patterns of how I behave - and especially how I react to different people, and how i consciously and unconscious use language and action to impact how I relate with others and how they act towards me. Coupled with time and conscious effort to reflect, I've started to explore what these feelings and impacts actually are. I've not come close yet to truly empathising, and am only just starting to stop myself from saying something or acting in a manner that may cause hurt when I don't intend it. the meditation has now given me a technique to recognise some of these blind reactions, and also the space and thought to stall, and reconsider my response.

Last week (well the week before 28 August 2011) I chanced upon a TED talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability - it's a funny and poignant 8 mins on opening up to vulnerability - linked again to these negative feelings I like to control. It got me thinking about control - perhaps my love of control is to mask my vulnerabilities? these areas of emotions that i've walled up. it seems obvious when spelled out, but in practice it's a challenge for me to see when I have actually let things through... what does a real, true emotion feel like? when have I not let my over active, rational mind flip it from a negative to a positive?

i think i've opened a sort of floodgates of sorts - I've already started writing on other topics that my mind is twirling around but before I flood myself and anyone reading this - I think I had better stop, take stock and let things sit.